Secret Love
by amrice101
Summary: Kendall is beyond the word depressed after Jo leaves for New Zealand. But is Jo the real reason for his misery or is Unrequited love the answer? KAMES SLASH. Song-fic. *Sequel is here!*
1. Chapter 1

**This is a song-fic from the song "Anywhere But Here" by Mayday Parade! (You might wanna listen to it before reading this, it would help) I just thought of the idea of this when I was listening to the song a few days ago. This takes places the night Jo left for New Zealand.**

**Warnings: Cutting, Character Death (MAYBE!) **

**Disclaimer!; I'm a 14 year old Rusher...do you REALLY think I own the show? If you did... then your a idiot.**

**Music looks like this **_**music.**_** Thoughts look like this 'thoughts'**

***Kendall's PoV***

_Tonight is the one thing yet, _

_And I haven't said it yet but, _

_I'm falling, and the writings on the wall._

I don't know if I can take anymore of this pain. All I feel right now is pure misery. Jo just left for New Zealand this afternoon and I have been feeling this way since. She was my distraction...from him. My one true love...James. Without her here to help me keep my mind off him...all I think of is how he'll never be mine.

_Today was misery,_

_And I can't believe this happened._

_She held on to my heart,_

_And now my only star is falling,_

_and its burning to the ground._

_Now I'm coming out._

I'm not upset about Jo leaving. Well, I am but...like I said, she was my distraction from him. She held on to my heart, but James will always be the owner of it. My heart is shattering just thinking about how he'll never love me. He's falling from my night sky, to never become mine.

_Secret Love, my escape!_

_Take me far, far away._

_Secret love, are you there?_

_Will you answer my prayer?_

_Please, take me anywere but here._

'Aw' I thought as my phone started to ring. 'My secret love is trying to call me.' _Anywhere but here _by Mayday Parade was the rigntone I had for when James called me. I completly described how I felt right now. The song took the words right of my mouth. Please James, my secret love, take me form this hell and just be mine. Secret love answer my prayer, get me out of bed and love me.

_You all I got right now,_

_You're the only one who figures out this feeling, _

_and how lonely it can get._

Unrequited Love...it hurts like a bitch. I know no one else knows that how I'm feeling right now, but at least I know you've felt like this before. It was back in Minnesota, I believe it was the beginning of 9th grade and you were just starting to become really depressed. Logan, Carlos, and I were trying desperately to get you out of bed. You only talked to me how you felt, but you never told me who you felt this way for. It didn't really bother me though, I just wanted you to be happy. Now, I feel that way and I need you. Carlos and Logan have each other,**[a/n: Cargan!] **they don't know this feeling like you and I do. Suddenly, James comes bursting into our room, eyes of concern looking right at me. His magnificent hazel eyes lock my puffy, blood-shot green ones for what seems like forever, but I think it was only 10 seconds, before he started making his way to my bed.

"James, please...I'm not in the mood to talk." He completely ignores what I just said and sits on the edge of my bed.

"Kendall, Jo leaving...its not a big deal! Its just 3 months and there going to fly by with Me, Logan, and Carlos by your side!" I didn't respond, I just turned so that I was looking outside my window, my back to James. I feel so conflicted right now...I want to tell him I love him but...I can't handle rejection. He sighs to these actions and starts talking again.

"You know, its not healthy to just lay in bed and cry." He said this, his voice filled with pure concern. When I heard this I just wanted to pounce him and just start kissing him but...I knew I couldn't do that. So I decided to to what I did best, push my problems away, to deal with them later.

"Just leave me alone James! I just want to lay here _alone_!" I say my voice sounding surprisingly stern, even though I was lying right through my teeth. I would die just for James to lay beside me and tell me he loved me and-no! I can't think this way! It will make EVERYTHING worse!

"I hate seeing you like this Kenny. I mean, seriously, its just Jo and-" "Its not fucking about her okay!" 'Shit' was all I could think of when I said that. 'Now hes going to be _dying_ to find out why I'm so depressed.'

"Wait, if its not about her then-" Before he can finish his sentence I forcefully kick him off my bed.

"GET THE FUCK OUT!" I hiss, tears brimming my eyes.

"FINE! I was just trying to help! But noooooooo, just lay here in bed for the rest of your damn life! I don't fucking care! Nobody does!" And with that, James stammered off the ground and slammed the door. All I could do was cry, knowing James was completely right. I should just lay in bed...Nobody fucking cares.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello! Here is the 2nd aka last chapter of this! I hope this can match up to the first one. Oh also, this is still a song-fic sooooo yeah. **

**Disclaimer!; If I owned Big Time Rush, would I'd be on writing stories? ...Probably. ;D **

**Warnings: Cutting, Character Death **

**Music looks like this **_**music**_**. Thoughts look like this 'thoughts'.3rd Person is '**_**3rd person'**_

***Kendall's PoV***

_These words can cut right through,_

_'Cause all along I knew you were sorry, _

_but you haven't said it yet._

_But I won't forget. _

Now, I know I want to die. His words...they probably cutted deeper than any blade could. But, a little part, deep inside me knows James don't mean all of that. He can be over-dramatic, for god's sake! He's James Diamond, the biggest drama king on the planet! But still...he couldn't have said it all in vain...could he?

_Secret love, my escape! _

_Take me far, far away!_

_Secret love, are you there?_

_Will you answer my prayer?_

_Please take me anywhere but here! _

I know this doesn't make any sense but...I'm sorry. I know he should be the one sorry but...I just want him back! he doesn't need to say sorry! I just want him here by my side...making me feel better.

"James! I take back everything I said! Just please, secret love, be my escape. Take me far from this reality and to a place of pure bliss...where nothing can go wrong..." I trail off, hoping maybe he can hear me from here.

_When were together,_

_thoughts of her disappear._

_If I fell to pieces, _

_You heal this pain I feel. _

When we talked earlier, it sounded like he was jealous...of Jo? Well, that's not even possible, for two reasons. One, he's as straight as a ruler. Two, he is waaaaaaaaaaay better than Jo! When I'm with him...I don't even know who Jo is...all I can think of is James. He's the one I long for, he's the one I love, need, desire, and want to keep happy. '_After getting that thought out of his head, Kendall thought about if James had figured out how broken Kendall really was.' _

"I know, if you knew how broken I really am right now, you would have stayed. You know this feeling of despair and loneliness more than anyone. Pleaseeeeeeee, secret love! I need you, before...I do something I'll regret." As I said this I could hear my own desperation and angst. I sounded pathetic, unloved, and scared. "I don't want to feel this way anymore." I said this quietly to myself, before sluggishly making my way out of bed and towards the door and locked it. Then, I walked over the James' bed and laid on my stomach, just smelling the Cuda Man Spray locked into the bed. Just this started making tears come back...it reminded me too much of him. After laying there, sobbing for 5 long minutes, I got up and took a picture of me and James, in Minnesota about two years ago in our teams hockey jerseys' right in front of an ice rink we just played at. Next, I walked into the bathroom and set the picture on the sink. "We look so happy in that picture, don't we Jamesy?" I say sadly, a small smile on my face ,tears starting to stream from my eyes again.

"Secret love, my escape! Take me far, far away! Secret love, are you there? Will you answer my prayer?" I bite my lip before singing the next part. "P-Please...t-t-ake me anywhere but h-here." I sing before, reaching under the sink for the razor I kept there, just for an occasion like this. I haven't used it or at least tried to for about a year. But thats about to change. Before I bring the blade to my wrist, I say one last thing. "James, I know you can't here me but...I love you. More than anything I have ever before...I truly mean that with every fiber in my body. Just please come and save me. Be my hero, my knight in shinning armor...please love, save me." A single tear falls from my cheek to my wrist and reminds me of what I'm doing. I bring my 2nd escape to my wrist and just dig it deep, not caring about the burning sensation, not caring about the blood gushing, just caring that the heart

break is leaving.

***James' PoV***

***A few minutes ago* **

'Wow, that was kinda mean what I said to Kendall. I hope he didn't take it to harsh...but he has to see where I'm coming from! Jo leaving really isn't- wait...that's not what he's sad about! I forgot that's what he said! But, if its not Jo he's upset about...what could it be? What else could have him so upset? Well...I'm not just gonna sit here and not find out! I get up from the bright orange couch and march to Kendall and I's room. I go to open the door but...its locked? Why? Before I knock on the door, I put my head to it and I hear sobs...poor Kendall. What has him so upset! The sobs stop and I hear the bathroom door click close. I don't think much of it until the gears start to turn in my head.

"He's going in there...to cut!" I lightly scream, before I start hyperventilating. I fall to the floor and pull my knees to my chest. 'No...no! This can't be happening! He can't be! He can't do that...he can't kill himself...not before I tell him I love him. Even If he rejects me...he has to know.' Just then Logan and Carlos come into the apartment, hand and hand from there date. As soon as they see me, they run to my side.

"What wrong? Why are you freaking out?" Carlos says, eyes already filled with concern.

"K-k-k-endall...we gotta get in there, NOW!" I jump up and start throwing my body against the door repeatingly until Logan grabs my wrist and spins me to face him.

"Wait! Whats the problem!"

"Remember when K-k-kendall used to cut?" I ask, shaking like a mad-man. Carlos and Logan nod there heads before I continue.

"I think that's what he's doing...right now." I say when suddenly I hear bangs. I turn my head to see Logan banning his body agasint the door and Carlos, already equipped with his helmet, running into the door, as well. I join in and we continue our assault on the door until finally, the door falls down. We all rush into the room, all running to the bathroom door. Before I put my hand on the handle, I heard a loud bang come from the bathroom.

"Kendall! Love! Noooooo! I'm coming!" I scream before I harshly grab the door handle and swing the door open. What I saw next will scar me forever.

***Kendall's PoV***

***2 minutes ago***

All I could hear was my sobs, blood dripping from my wrist, and...bangs on the door? 'No James can't see me like this. I want him to save me and-no...I don't deserve him...I'm nothing.' After my already 3 deep cuts, the first to represent my unrequited love. Second, being unloved, and third...for being a pathetic piece of shit, I make one last cut, from my elbow to the beginning of my palm. My vision starts to blur and my knees give out, making me have to sit on the toilet. I look around me and see blood all over the floor, my clothes, and my hands.

Out of nowhere, I hear the door fall down and sets of footsteps come into the bedroom. 'Oh no, Logan and Carlos too.' "Shit" was all I could mutter. Suddenly, everything started to finally break down. First my lungs, I just couldn't breathe anymore, but I didn't care. Next my whole body just falls onto the floor, my head hitting the sink on the way down. Finally, the numbness takes over my body and I just let it happen. The last thing I see before my eyelids close are a horrified James kneeled next to me and a petrified Carlos crying into Logan's arms. With the last bit of my strength, I put my hand to James' cheek and use my dying breathe to mutter my last words to my secret love.

"Goodbye...love."

**Sooooooooo? How was it? I'm sorry I killed Kendall! Or did I ;D I might make a sequel...if I get enough requests for it. I mean I might have it were...Kendall lives! Or should I just keep it at this. Reviews are greatly appericated! :D ( Why am I so cheerful...I just killed Kendall! ): ) **


	3. Sequel

**Hellooooo! You are reading the sequel to the story I wrote called 'Secret Love', a Kames two shot! You need to read that first to fully grasp what is going on in this. Okay on to the story!**

**I am sooooooooooooo sorry it took me sooo long to write this. I had major writers block and I was working on other things and yeah...**

**Disclaimer!; Blah, blah, blah, I don't own Big Time Rush, blah, blah, blah, I REALLY wish I did. Oh, and I wouldn't mind owning Kames! ;D **

_Where we last left off. . ._

_**~Kendall's PoV~ **_

_Out of nowhere, I hear the door fall down and __sets__ of footsteps come into the bedroom. 'Oh no, Logan and Carlos too.' "Shit" was all I could mutter. Suddenly, everything started to finally break down. First my lungs, I just couldn't breathe anymore, but I didn't care. Next my whole body just falls onto the floor, my head hitting the sink on the way down. Finally, the numbness takes over my body and I just let it happen. The last thing I see before my eyelids close are a horrified James kneeled next to me and a petrified Carlos crying into Logan's arms. With the last bit of my strength, I put my hand to James' cheek and use my dying breathe to mutter my last words to my secret love._

_"Goodbye...love."_

**~James' PoV~**

No...this can't be happening. All of this blood on the floor, the blade right across from...Kendall's limp, cold, lifeless, body, that I hold in my arms. This all has to be a sick, cruel nightmare, that I'm going to wake up from...it needs to be, Kendall is _not_ dying, I will not let him die!

"Logan, call-" I was going to tell him to call for help but he already was. Tears start to flow from my eyes as I realize that all of this...is actually happening. The guy I adore with everything in my heart, is dying in my arms. I look around the bathroom and see Carlos, in the farthest corner of the bathroom, knees to his chest, his eyes blood-shot, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Carlos, I-I know your terrified right now, and I am too but, if you want Kendall to l-l-live...you need to listen to me! Okay honey?" Logan says to Carlos, trying not to break-down like Carlitos already did.

"O-Okay Logie...what do you n-need me to do?" Carlos asked trying to calm himself. He gets up on his feet and wipes away the tears on his cheek. Logan walks over to Kendall and me and kneels down next to us.

"Carlos, I need you to get me a hand towel, a wet one. James...give me K-Kendall please." I look at him like their are bugs crawling out of his ears.

"Are you crazy! I'm not letting go of him 'till he wakes up!" I scream high pitchly.

"He's _not_ going to wake up if you don't let me help him!" He yells to me. He's right, if I want Kendall to wake up, I need to let Logan become .

"A-A-Alright." I say hesitantly before Logan gently but hastily takes Kendall into his arms. Just then, Carlos comes back into the bathroom, paramedics following. Carlos hands Logan the towels and the paramedics take Kendall into the living room, all three of us following close behind. I look to see a crying Katie in Mrs. Knight's shaking arms. 'I guess Carlos told them what happened.' Before the paramedics leave the apartment, Logan wraps the towel around Kendall's wrist, to stop anymore bleeding or oxygen from leaving or getting into the cuts. When the paramedics do leave the apartment, with Kendall on a stretcher, I follow them, even though everyone told me to stay. I _needed_ to be with Kendall as long as I possibly could.

"K-Kendall you need to be okay. Everyone needs you. Logan needs you, Carlos needs you, your mom needs you, Katie needs you...I-I need you. I love you, I love you so much and I have to tell you when your pretty green eyes open up. I can't even imagine my life without you. Your the reason why all of us are in a band, and in L.A! You gave up your dream for mine and I don't know how I coul-"

"Sorry honey, but only people over 18 can go in the ambulance with a minor." I gave the female EMT a confused look, until I looked at my surroundings and see that we're in the Palm Woods' parking lot. I was going to fight with her but...I knew the longer Kendall was away from the hospital, the shorter the chance of him surviving would be. So, I nodded my head to the EMT and gave Kendall a kiss on his cold, pale cheek, while muttering "See you soon" before slowly making my way to the entrance of the Palm Woods, watching the ambulance lights flash to bring my love to safety. Kendall...my love, I could get use to the sound of that.

**~Kendall's PoV~ **

***A few hours later***

I'm alive? Maybe...all I see right now is darkness and I can't feel anything...everything is just, numb. All around me is nothing but black. I can't move, I can't blink my eyes, I can't do anything, not even talk. As I lay here, in the empty silence, I start to wonder what is going on in the world outside this. Before my thoughts go any further I hear something for the depths of the black. Is that a voice I hear? Yes, a very familiar voice. Yes, it's his angelic, amazing, breath-taking voice. . . James'.

"Kendall, I need you to wake up. I can't stand not being able to hear your voice, even if it's yelling at me. When you said "Goodbye love" to me, I knew this was my fault and I will make it up to you when you wake up. I'll make sure that I tell you I love you everyday and I-I'll make sure to keep you happy always and to love & protect you forever. Oh, yeah. . . did I forget to mention I love you? Yeah, well, I do, more than anything. So hear this; Kendall Knight, I, James Diamond, love you more than you can & will ever imagine. Just please Kenny, wake up. I-I need y-you." I hear him start sobbing and it literally destroys my heart how much in pain he sounds. I start to think back to the last time I had 'talked' to James. It would have been a shame if a scream-off between us was the last conversation we would ever have with each other. Hopefully, it wasn't going to be.

I want- no, _need_ to get out of this hell-hole of bottomless nothing and be with my family, my best friends. . . my James. I try my hardest to jerk my body in any position and way possible, just to make a slight movement, but nothing happens. Maybe. . .this is the end. Maybe there is no heaven and souls are just to wander in the blackness. Maybe this is what happens when you die. Maybe that voice. . .was all in my head too? No! I just can't believe that! I need to get back home. My last resort at this point is just to scream. I open my mouth to scream, but not even a whimper comes out. I keep trying and trying, for what seems like eternity, until finally, the smallest little whimper/whine escapes me. Now, I'm praying that someone is outside this dark nightmare of mine and heard my cry for help, even if it was a pathetic one.

**~3rd Person PoV~**

***Moments ago***

James was sleeping in the uncomfortable hospital chair next to his Kendall, no one else was in the room, only because it was 12:30 at night and everyone else decided to leave, but James refused to say no. The occasional nurse would stop by to make sure the couple was doing fine, but other than that, James was the only one there when...Kendall had whimpered. Luckily, the brunette was a very light sleeper, and his head was leaning right against the bed railing when the light noise left the blonde's lips. James' head shot up, not believing he had heard, what he thought he heard. _'Did Kendall. . .just make a noise? It had to be him! There's no one else-'_

"J-Jamie? I-Is that you?" James hesitantly looks down to see scared, emerald orbs, locking in with his hazel eyes. James is frozen, trying to take in that the boy that he held practically dead in his arms only hours ago, was piercing through his soul with the green eyes he had come to love. Speechless, James just stares back at Kendall, reaching out and gently rubbing Kendall's still cold cheek, with his thumb, praying that this was real, and not a dream that would leave James in tears if he woke up. Finally, James finds the ability to speak again.

"Yes Kendall, it's me and I'm not going anywhere." A spark of joy passes through Kendall's features; his eyes turn a lighter shade of green, a slight grin appeared on his face, and all worries melt away, knowing James is going to protect him no matter what. James and Kendall are still just looking at each other, trying to soak in everything going on, hoping none of this is just a figment of both their imaginations. James makes the next move, by pulling Kendall in with an almost bone crushing embrace, the brunette holding on like his life depended on it. Suddenly, James starts to sob, Kendall starting to rub soothing circles on the pretty boy's back.

"I-I thought I-I lost you Kend-dall! I take back e-e-everything I said! I'm sorry about all those h-hurtful words I said! I meant none of them. I-I love you, I love you s-so much it hurts! W-When I saw you in the b-bathroom, d-d-dying, I thought that was it. I thought I lost m-my chance with you." He paused, to look up from his current position, head buried in Kendall's neck, to look into Kendall's emerald eyes, "B-But you're back, and I'm not letting you slip away." James said softly, as he placed a tender peck to the blonde's lips.

"James, I heard what you said before, you know, when I was unconscious and,. . . I love you too. I'm sorry I tried to kill myself. I was being selfish and didn't think on how anyone else would react. I just, I just couldn't handle the idea of you not loving me back. I was so upset earlier because. . .I didn't have Jo to keep me distracted from my love for you. But now, I don't have to worry about that anymore because...you really do love me." Then Kendall started to shed tears of joy. James smiles ,then takes Kendall face into his hands, wiping the salty tears away with his thumbs. James leans in and puts their foreheads together, just staring into Kendall's emerald eyes, as Kendall does the same to the hazel orbs.

"I'm so glad you're alive. I thought I was going to have to be forever alone with a broken heart and a guilty conscious for the rest of my life." James said, finishing off with a light chuckle. Kendall chuckled as well, also thankful for being able to live so he could be with his 'not so secret' love. As they stared into each other eyes and gave each other sweet, innocent pecks on the lips, they both had the same thing going through there mind.

'_I could do this forever.'_

**! The official end! I hope it lived up to your expectations and...sorry if it didn't :( I liked it! Please, tell me what you think a.k.a review. **

**~Angel **


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